Day 20

A Difficult Time


I have incredibly lucky to say I have never had anything so bad happen to me (touch wood) 


When my Gran died I was only 12, I never cried, think it was because I didn't truly understand. I was old enough to understand she had cancer and wasn't going to survive but I can't remember the day my mum told us three?! I remember her being in hospital and us all going to visit her and then when she came out of hospital. And I was just waiting for her to go, as I knew she wasn't going to survive and when my mum came home to tell us she had died. I still didn't get upset. 
It's more now that I realise I'm never going to see her again and when I do things and things in the future that she could of been here to see that I get upset.


These things may seem trivia to some people and has I haven't had a very diffcult time, these things are the things that have affected me.
I remember when I found out I had a curve in my spine (scoliosis), don't think it helped that when the doctor saw how wonky I was (the curve causes your waist to look lop-sided) she said ''oh how abnormal''. Thank you so much. I was a 14 year old girl, self esteem was low, like any other normal growing teenage girl, growing into her own body and skin and giving the fact that I didn't know anything about this scoliosis I thought I was going to die.
Looking back now it makes me laugh. Yes, it can cause death but my case was one that developed through the teen years, meaning I had down most my development so the curve would grow worse as I grew in height.
I remember going to East Surrey Hospital and then them transferring me to Stanmore where they perform the surgery. The always said to me I was never a serious case where they recommended surgery, I would only have it if I wanted to, so basically for cosmetic - to make me look better. I didn't see the point in that, could never see the curve when I had my clothes on and even when I'm in a bikini you can't really see it. I know it's there and my mum and mark can see it but that's only because they know about it but for someone who doesn't know what scoliosis is they wouldn't even look at me to think it :)
The surgery includes my spine cord being fused and my spine being straightened and them putting metal rods in-between to keep the spine straight. I would probably have to spend about 6 weeks in hospital and at least 6 months in a back brace (meaning a lot of time of work) and they doctors said to me I could still have back ache and I could become stiffer then I am now.
I have developed arthritis over the years, I get it just underneath my hips, but the pain is more in my bottom. (Very hard to explain) It makes me feel like a 80 year old lady and it seems to develop more in the cold (so snow days can be very difficult, specially if I have to walk to work) or if I've been sitting or laying in a weird position (am still trying to figure out what these positions are)
I have managed to get through the painful times, I don't take any painkillers as my personal opinion is that as I get older or when I am pregnant the likelihood is that my back pain will get worse and that may be the time I will need painkillers and if I am on painkillers now, they will just need to keep getting strong.
I don't let it affect my life I just get on with it and half the time I actually forget I have it. I consider myself quite unique and individual as it's not a very well known condition.